To Own The Libs

 

Anna tilted her head to the side, and looked at me carefully, still smiling. “Man, I will never get tired of this,” she commented.

I raised a questioning eyebrow. “Of what?” I asked.

“Seeing trans people’s expression when you use their chosen name for the first time,” she replied. “Their faces just light up, like yours did just now. It’s actually incredible. One of the wonders of the world.”

My other eyebrow raised, too, and I blinked in surprise. “You mean… You’ve done this before?”

Anna let go of my hand and leaned back into the bench. “Only a couple times,” she said. “With Elanor, and another friend of mine, you don’t know them. You’re the third one, but your reaction was the same as theirs.”

Really? I’d had the same reaction when she called me ‘Lily’ as when she called Elanor, well, ‘Elanor?’ And the same for another of her friends? Huh. Weird. I very briefly wondered what that meant, but didn’t have time to think about it before Anna spoke again.

“So, who else knows?” she asked.

Even though I was determined to be careful – I probably would have to start taking notes, to make sure I didn’t somehow contradict myself in my deception – that was easy enough to answer, I didn’t even have to think about it. “No one,” I replied. “You’re the first one I’ve told.”

This time it was Anna’s eyebrows which rose in surprise. “Really? You haven’t told anyone?” she said. “Not even Joe? Or your parents?”

Her question gave me pause. She was right: apparently Lily, a young trans girl, had first disclosed her identity to someone she didn’t really see eye-to-eye with, instead of someone she actually knew and trusted. And that thought was followed right afterwards by another one: did Lily – did I – actually trust Joe, or my parents for that matter, to not hate me if I came out to them?

For Joe, the answer was simple and clear as day: no. No, Joe would never accept having a trans person as a friend, or even as an acquaintance. So, if I told him–

No, wait. Hold on. Why would I even tell Joe I was trans in the first place? After all, I wasn’t really trans, I was just pretending, right? I could just tell him that. Tell him the truth. I’m sure he would think it was completely hilarious, maybe he would even volunteer to help me somehow.

Yeah, I should probably tell Joe about my plan the next time I saw him, I concluded.

But that’s not what Lily would say, was it now?

I sighed – or pretended to sigh, at least. “No, I haven’t told Joe,” I said. “Simply put… Well… You know how he is. He’s a bigot. You said as much yesterday at the party.” I felt a small pang of guilt at having to insult Joe behind his back.

Anna nodded. “Yeah, I did. But still, aren’t you two friends? Do you really think he would hate you for being trans?”

“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “Sometimes I wonder what goes on in his head; one moment he’s really friendly and the next he cold-shoulders me. And since I have to room with him for the foreseeable future…”

“You can’t risk it,” Anna said, nodding again.

“Right,” I nodded back. “As for my parents… I don’t know about them, honestly. They’ve been very good as I was growing up, warm and caring and supportive. But I’ve also heard them badmouth people for being different several times. And every time they’ve voted, they’ve dutifully marked the R option. I mean…” I looked up at Anna. “They’ve loved me so far. They’ve loved me. Will they love Lily too? Or will they–”

I stopped talking as I realised something. I hadn’t needed to lie about my parents: everything I’d said about them had been the truth. I’d given a perfect description of the two people who’d raised me, and for the first time ever I was forced to wonder: would they still love me if I was different, somehow? I don’t mean if I was trans – I wasn’t trans, after all – but if I somehow disappointed them? Let them down? If I was less than the perfect golden boy they thought me to be? If I decided, I don’t know, to date or marry someone they didn’t approve of?

Would they still love me, or drop me like a hot coal?

No, I told myself firmly. This was not the time to be having such thoughts. I would have to examine them later on, and in detail; for the time being, I shook my head again to clear it.

“I mean, I will have to tell them eventually,” I said. “This isn’t something I can hide forever, after all. But…” I sighed. “I would very much prefer to wait until I really have to.” I locked eyes with Anna. “You know what I mean?”

“I do,” she replied. “My parents were the same.”

I blinked in surprise. “They were?”

“Oh yeah,” she said. “I was fourteen when I told them I’m gay, and let me tell you they did not take it well. At all. It took several months before they even started speaking to me again, and several years before we were on cordial terms again.” She smiled ruefully. “They accept it now, of course, but it took some work. Lots of work. And they were much like your own parents, except for the fact that they marked the D instead of the R.”

“Huh,” I said. Surprising. I had no idea. I thought all Democrats – all liberals – were automatically accepting of gay and trans identities, but apparently this wasn’t the case?

“In any case, I should really be going,” Anna said, looking at her watch. “It’s getting late.” She looked at me and smiled. “Thank you for trusting me with your secret, Lily. I promise I won’t tell.”

When she said the name I felt my cheeks warm up a bit, but then I realised I still had to put another part of my plan into motion.

“Actually, before you go, there’s something else I want to ask you,” I said.

“Yeah, what is it?” she said. “Ask away.”

“Well, like I told you, I only realised this… this, over the past few days. And, to be honest, I don’t know left from right at this point.”

Which was true. I mean, I’d read lots of things on the Internet, but you should never believe what you read online.

“So I was wondering if you had any resources about how I should handle this,” I said. “Something that could help me. Anything at all.”

Anna put her finger to her chin and thought for a bit. “Well, actually, there is something,” she said. “Our college has a counsellor, I heard she’s really good about this stuff. Saunders? Sanders? Something like that.”

“Okay, I’ll look her up,” I nodded.

“And also… Well, there’s a queer club here at school. I’m part of it, actually. Sort of like a GSA, we meet once a week.”

“GSA?” I asked.

“Genders and sexualities alliance,” she explained. “It’s a safe space where everyone is free to express themselves, without fear of being judged or of being outed. I’ll ask the person in charge if I can bring you to the next meeting.”

I mentally scoffed. A safe space? Really? What do they need to be safe from again?

But I didn’t say that, of course, I just nodded. “Alright.” I stood up. “Thank you, Anna.”

She stood up too. “Any time, Lily,” she said: she offered me her hand and I took it, and I was surprised when she pulled me into a tight hug; I yelped, startled.

“Don’t let the world tear you down, girl,” Anna whispered in my ear. “Remember, you are worth it, and there are people who are willing to help you.”

She released the embrace, and stepped back. “See you in class on Monday,” she said with a smile; then she turned around and walked away.

I looked at her for a few seconds, then I looked at my watch: it was getting late, it was almost five, so I decided to get back to my room and get some studying done before heading to dinner.

As I walked towards the dorm building, I thought about the conversation I’d had with Anna. It had been… pleasant? Yeah, that was the correct term. Pleasant. Which was surprising, because the day before we really didn’t see eye-to-eye, and she barely gave me the time of day. This time, on the other hand, she’d listened to me carefully, and I’d really enjoyed talking to her. She’d been warm, caring, and supportive.

Yeah, but she’s only being caring and supportive because she thinks you’re a trans girl, said a voice in the back of my mind, and I realised it was completely true: if she knew I was really a cis guy, she would never have treated me like that.

Typical liberal.

I walked inside the dorm and gave the RA a wave, then made my way to my room. I put the key in the lock, but I realised the door was unlocked. Weird, had I forgotten to lock it before going to look for Anna?

I pushed down the handle, opened the door, and walked in.

“DUDE!” Joe exclaimed when he saw me. “Welcome back!”

I blinked in surprise. “Joe? What are you doing here? I thought you weren’t supposed to be back until tomorrow.”

“Change of plans. Meet my pals!” Joe said, waving in the general direction of two other people – who were sitting on my bed, I realised with some irritation.

“Eddie,” one of them nodded.

The other one waved. “Tommy.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said, deciding to be polite. Then I turned back to Joe. “What happened?” I asked. “Why are you back so soon?”

“Well, nothing much,” he said; he picked a can of beer – which I hadn’t noticed before – from his desk, and took a swig. “We had some differences of opinions with the owner of the hostel we were supposed to stay at.”

“Kicked us out, that’s what he did,” Eddie commented.

I frowned. “Why?”

“Something about us being too loud, and talking back when he said we weren’t allowed to bring booze inside the building,” Joe said. “Gonna sue him to get our money back.”

“We don’t need to get our money back,” Tommy said. “We hadn’t even paid in the first place.”

Joe shrugged. “Whatever. Maybe I’ll sue him for breach of contract then, for cancelling our reservation with no prior warning. Let’s see if I can get a couple hundred out of it.”

I looked at him for a moment, and then sighed. Well, there went my quiet, peaceful Saturday evening and Sunday morning. “Okay, alright. But could you tell your friends not to sit on my bed, please?”

Joe quirked an eyebrow at me, but when I held his gaze he nodded, and waved at Tommy and Eddie, who dutifully got up and sat down on Joe’s bed instead.

“Here, have a drink,” Joe said; he reached down into a duffel bag that was sitting on the floor next to his desk, and lobbed a can of beer at me, which I caught in mid-air.

I looked at the beer for a moment, and briefly considered opening it and taking a sip. But then I remembered I still had to study, and drinking alcohol isn’t very conducive to that. And besides, for whatever reason, the ‘buzz’ – the background emotional noise – I always felt was way less loud than usual at that moment; it had been ever since I’d talked to Anna, I realised, and I wondered why that was.

“No, I’m good,” I said, tossing the can back to Joe, who expertly snatched it out of the air. “I’m gonna do some studying before dinner.”

Joe nodded again, and I sat down at my desk, opened up my laptop, and typed in my password.

The words ‘So you’ve realised you’re transgender’ appeared in big, bold letters on my screen.

Shit.

I hurriedly closed the web page I’d left open before heading out, and glanced at Joe and his friends: they were talking among themselves, not paying attention to me – they hadn’t noticed, apparently. I let out a small breath of relief. Even though I’d decided to tell Joe about my plan, it was better to do it before he noticed anything, to avoid any possible misunderstanding.

I focused back on my computer, loaded up the information I needed, and then opened up my textbook and notebook and got to studying.

Ten minutes later, I was getting annoyed.

Joe, Tommy and Eddie were still chatting and drinking. And not quietly, either: they were being very loud about it, making it all but impossible for me to focus on my studies.

At first, I grit my teeth and tried to bear it – this was Joe’s room, too, after all – but after what was likely the eleventh time one of them laughed uproariously at some crass joke, I turned in my chair and looked directly at them.

“Can’t you guys be quiet?” I said. “I’m trying to study here.”

Joe looked at me and blinked in surprise, but then he laughed again. “Oh, come on!” he said. “We’re just talking!”

“Yeah, but your talking is really loud,” I rebutted. “And I can’t concentrate. Could you… I dunno, go somewhere else? The common room, maybe?”

“Nah, no can do,” Joe replied, shaking his head and holding up his beer can. “Can’t go to the common room with this.”

“Well then, leave it here!” I snapped. “Or better yet, throw it away. Seriously, guys, it’s not even six and you’re already drinking? What the hell!”

Joe stared at me, and his eyes went wide. With good reason: that was the first time since we’d started rooming together, a couple months earlier, that I’d talked back to him like this. I had no idea why I did it either, to be honest, but I was particularly on edge that evening – maybe it was a result of getting my plan to pretend to be transgender started.

Eddie and Tommy, for their part, just laughed. “Oh, look, he’s angry!” Eddie said. “Cute, he’s so tiny and scrawny, it’s adorable!”

I glowered at him. “Don’t fucking call me scrawny,” I said.

“But you are,” Tommy added. “Do you even work out? Maybe we should check your man card, make sure it’s not a fake.”

I blinked. Did he just…?

“Okay. Get out,” I hissed.

The three of them looked at me in surprise. “What?” Eddie said.

“You heard me. Out. I don’t want you in my room,” I replied.

“Hey now, this is my room, too!” Joe said. “I have a right–”

“You can stay,” I replied. “But they can’t. Get lost.”

Tommy started to get up. “Listen here, you…” he began to say, but Joe raised a hand to stop him.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay, they’re going. We’re going. Come on, guys, let’s go.”

He stood up from his chair, walked over to his wardrobe, and pulled out a football; following his friends, he started walking out of the room, but then stopped and looked back at me. I just stared back at him, and he turned back around and left, closing the door behind him.

The room was quiet.

For a second.

Then, just outside of the door, I heard Joe shout, “Hey, Ed! Go long!”

The shout was followed by a loud crashing noise and a grunt of pain.

“YEAH BOY!” Tommy shouted. “That was AWESOME, dude!”

I sighed, got up from my chair, marched to the door, and opened it, looking into the corridor: Eddie was lying on the ground in the middle of the hallway, the remains of a folding table near him; flyers and pamphlets were scattered all around.

“Dude, are you okay?” Tommy asked.

“I’m fine!” Eddie said; he was still lying on the floor, but he threw up a double thumbs-up. “Super okay! Doesn’t hurt one bit!”

I stared at him, and then shook my head in disbelief. What even the hell? I’d never had many friends growing up, so I couldn’t help but wonder: was this how men normally behaved?

“Alright, what the hell is going on here?” said a voice from down the corridor; I looked up and saw Darrell, the RA, jogging towards us. “What happened? Did you do something again, Thompson?”

“No sir,” Joe said. “Not at all. It was just an accident, my friend tripped on that table.”

“Table?” Darrell said; he surveyed the scene for a moment, then bent over and picked up one of the flyers which were scattered on the floor. “The Bradford McKinley Libertarian Association,” he read, muttering under his breath. “Fucking hell, I keep telling them they can’t just leave their shit lying around without clearing it beforehand, but they think the rules don’t apply to them.” Then he offered his hand to Eddie, who grasped and pulled himself up to his feet. “Sorry, man, the table wasn’t supposed to be there. But still, how did you not see it?”

“Well, um…” Eddie began, but Darrell’s eyes darted around the corridor, and he spotted the ball; he turned to Joe.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Thompson?” he said. “No ball games inside the building.”

Joe shrugged. “Sorry, man. I forgot.”

“How do you even forget that?” Darrell asked. “In fact…” He sniffed loudly a couple times; then he leaned towards Eddie, and sniffed deeply again. “Have you guys been drinking?”

“…No?” Tommy said.

“Alright. You, and you,” Darrell said, pointing at Tommy and Eddie. “Get lost, the both of you.”

He didn’t need to say it twice; Joe’s friends exchanged one look, then turned on their heel and started walking towards the exit – very quickly, at that.

“As for you,” the RA continued, turning towards Joe, “give me the beer.”

Joe hesitated. “But…” he began.

“Give me the beer,” Darrell repeated. “I’m not going to ask a third time.”

Joe looked at him for a moment, but then nodded. As I stepped aside to let him pass, he walked inside our dorm room, followed closely by Darrell, and rooted inside his duffel bag, pulling out a six-pack, which he handed to the RA.

“All of it,” Darrell said.

As I looked on, Joe sullenly pulled out another six-pack from the bag, and then another one; he gave both of them to Darrell, who nodded.

“Be thankful I don’t report you,” the RA said. “Next time I catch you with booze inside the dorm, I absolutely will.”

“Yeah,” Joe replied quietly; Darrell left the room, and shut the door behind him.

There was a moment of silence, then Joe turned to me.

“This is all your fault,” he said.

I looked at him in surprise. “Um, excuse me, what? How is this my fault?”

“If you hadn’t been such a pussy about having to study, Tommy and Eddie and I wouldn’t have had to leave the room, and Darrell wouldn’t have caught us,” Joe said. “But you did, and now I’m out twenty bucks for the beer, and that idiot will be watching me closely. I hope you’re happy.”

I just stared at him for a moment, then shook my head. “You’re unbelievable,” I said.

I sat down at my desk and resumed studying; Joe and I didn’t exchange another word for the whole evening.

By the time I went to bed that night, telling him about my plan was the furthest thing from my mind.