To Own The Libs

 

When I left my dorm room on Monday morning to go to class, Joe and I still hadn’t patched things up. Yeah, maybe I was being stubborn in not letting the whole thing go, but on the other hand he still insisted on blaming me for Darrell taking his beer away: we’d exchanged all of five words on Sunday, and they’d been about that.

Truth to be told, I was mad at him. I could somewhat understand his train of thought: he and his friends being found out had directly stemmed from me asking them to leave the dorm room. But everything after that had been a result of their own actions. I thought Joe would understand that; that him trying to shift the blame was an initial gut reaction, brought about by irritation and booze, and that after he’d calmed down he would see he was wrong.

No such luck.

Having roomed with him for a couple months, I more or less knew his schedule, and apparently he didn’t have any classes on Monday morning, so when I left he was still in his pajamas, sitting at his desk, reading a textbook. “See ya,” I said; perhaps it was the chilly tone I put in my voice, but he just grunted in response, not even bothering to look up. I frowned, but closed the door behind me and headed to class.

As I walked across the campus, I kept thinking about the on-going fight I was having with Joe, and more specifically one thing: the fact that, despite being wrong, he was clearly refusing to back down from his position. What was up with that? Clearly if someone did something wrong, and realised that, they would try and make amends, right?

And yet.

I wondered if this was something specific to Joe, or if all men – all “bros” – behaved like this.

But for the time being, I had to put my head back into the game and concentrate on the role I was playing: I was about to see Anna for the first time after I’d “come out” to her, after all – my first class for the day was social sciences, and she would undoubtedly be there.

I paused briefly in front of the door to the classroom, took a deep breath, and lightly slapped my cheeks a couple times.

Alright, Lily. Showtime.

I walked through the door, and Anna spotted me immediately: she’d been talking with a few of her friends, but when she saw me cross the threshold her face lit up with a smile; she excused herself, and made her way over to me.

“Good morning,” she said, still smiling. “How are you today?”

“I’m good,” I replied, smiling back. “Though I didn’t really sleep that well. You?”

“Oh? Why’s that?” she asked, frowning slightly.

I sighed. “I had a fight with Joe on Saturday, just after I met up with you.”

Anna’s frown deepened. “Ah,” she said. “Wanna talk about it?”

I considered it for a moment, and then nodded. “Yes, actually. You see, Joe was…” I glanced around, checking that no one was within earshot – I didn’t want to completely ruin Joe’s reputation, after all – and then continued, “…He had been drinking with some of his friends, and the RA caught them, and took the beer away. And now he’s mad at me.”

“Huh, what?” my friend (wait, were we friends?) said in surprise.

I nodded. “Yeah, because they were drinking in our dorm room, mine and Joe’s, that is, and I asked them to leave, so they did. Then they started playing football in the hallway, caused some damage, and the RA came over. So Joe says it’s my fault they got caught.”

Anna looked for a moment, then shook her head. “Ugh. Men,” she said, almost spitting the word out. “Honestly, I can’t believe them sometimes, always acting so entitled, like the world revolves around them. Absolute trash.”

“Hey now,” I replied with a small laugh. “I could be offended by that.”

She gave me a curious look. “Why? After all…” She hesitated and, like I’d done earlier, glanced around before finishing the sentence, “…you’re not a man, Lily.”

I blinked in surprise.

Oh, right. The whole pretend-to-be-a-trans-girl thing.

“…Right,” I said. “Sorry. I guess old habits die hard.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Anna said, reaching over and squeezing my shoulder. “You’ll get used to it in no time.” She paused, as if thinking about something. “Oh, by the way, I got in touch with the people who manage the GSA yesterday, I texted them. And they gave me the all-clear, so I can bring you to the next meeting. It’s the day after tomorrow, late afternoon, after classes are over for the day.”

I smiled at her. “Great,” I said. “I’m looking forward to it.” And that wasn’t a lie, I really was; I was truly curious about seeing what gay and transgender people got up to when they were in a safe space, with no one but their own people around. It would be a learning experience, and maybe something I could use in the future, when I exposed the whole trans conspiracy for the world to see.

“Personally, I think it will do you good,” Anna nodded.

“Right. So–”

“Good morning, class,” the social studies professor said, entering the classroom. “If you’ll take your seats…”

He stopped speaking when he saw me and Anna talking, and frowned at us – especially at me.

“What’s this? Are you giving Miss Suarez a hard time again, Mister O’Connor?” he said, a slight tone of reproach in his voice. “Trying to continue Friday’s discussion?”

I looked at him, and quickly shook my head. “No, not at all, we were just talking,” I said.

The professor seemed entirely unconvinced. “Were you now?” he asked, looking at Anna.

“Yes, we were,” Anna confirmed with a nod. “O’Connor is actually really nice once you get to know him.”

She shot me an apologetic glance out of the corner of her eye – it was very brief, I don’t think anyone else noticed it – and I realised, with some surprise, that she was silently apologising for referring to me using a masculine pronoun.

Huh.

“Alright,” the professor nodded, after a moment’s consideration. “Take your seats then, so we can begin today’s lesson.”

“I’ll text you later,” Anna said; then she frowned slightly. “Uh, I just realised I don’t have your number.”

“Here, put yours in here,” I replied, pulling out my phone and unlocking it. “I’ll send you a text so you know it’s me.”

She nodded in agreement, and quickly typed her name and number into my contacts, then smiled and walked away to rejoin her friends.

-----

I closed my laptop and stretched a bit. It was two days later, in the afternoon: soon I would be meeting up with Anna and Elanor, and we’d be making our way to the GSA meeting. Right at that moment I was in my room; since I had no classes on Wednesday afternoon, I’d decided to study a bit before heading out.

“I’m leaving for a bit,” I told Joe. “I’ll be back later tonight.”

He looked up from the book he was reading (which had an American flag prominently displayed on the cover) and glanced at me. “Where are you going?” he asked.

I looked at him in surprise: I hadn’t expected him to talk to me – we were still in a kind of cold war, mostly ignoring each other unless it was absolutely necessary.

“I’m going to meet up with some friends,” I replied.

“You have friends?”

I suppressed my first instinct, which was to give him a snippy answer, and instead shrugged and said, “Yeah, of course.”

“Huh,” he said, and looked back down at the book again.

I frowned a bit, but decided not to press the issue; instead I grabbed my wallet, phone, and keys, and left the room.

“Hi there!” Darrell said when he saw me walking towards the exit. “Heading out?”

“Yeah, just for a couple hours,” I replied.

He nodded. “Alright. Remember, the door gets locked at ten, so if you’re planning to come back after that you’ll need to bring your keys.”

“Got them,” I said, showing him my keyring.

“Okay,” Darrell said with a smile. “See ya, then.”

I nodded, turned around, and walked out of the dorm building, stuffing my keys into my coat pocket as I did so.

As I walked, I idly thought about the fact that having to carry so much stuff was a bit unwieldy: I had my phone in one of my trouser pockets, my wallet in the other, and my keys were in my coat. This was fine for the time being, but come the spring I’d be going around without a coat or jacket, so I’d have to put my keyring in my trouser pockets, too. I knew from experience that it was uncomfortable, and also it looked ugly because it made my pockets bulge out. There had to be a better way. Ah well, I would think of something.

I made my way across the college campus, to the room Anna had said the GSA meeting would take place in: when I arrived, Anna and Elanor were already waiting for me outside the door. Anna greeted me with a wave and a smile, while Elanor just gave me a blank look. We looked at each other for a moment, without speaking, then I realised: this was my first time seeing them since Anna had introduced them to me the previous Friday evening, at the Theta Omega Tau frat house. And I also realised what I had to do.

“Elanor,” I said. “I don’t know if Anna spoke to you about this, but I wanted to apologise for what happened the last time we met.” I paused, waiting for a reaction, but Elanor just kept looking at me, so I continued: “What I said was wrong, and I recognise it, so I just want to say I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Elanor looked at me for a few seconds more, then nodded. “Apology accepted,” they said.

I nodded back. “Thank you.”

They turned to Anna. “Is this all?” they asked.

“No, it’s not,” Anna replied, shaking her head. “We’ve a meeting to go to.”

As Elanor looked at her in surprise – apparently Anna hadn’t told them anything about me attending the GSA meeting – Anna knocked on the door; after a moment it opened, and a tall girl, with shoulder-length hair and wearing a nice dress which fit her perfectly, looked out. She smiled when she saw Anna.

“Anna, hi,” she said. “Elanor. And…” she continued, turning to me.

“Hi, Allie,” Anna said. “This is the new person, the one I told you about.”

Allie nodded. “Of course. Come right in.”

She stepped aside and let us through the door, closing it behind us. “The group used to be open to everyone,” Anna explained. “But as I was told, there were some issues with some… unsavoury types attending and making trouble. So now all new people have to be introduced by a current member, to have a minimum of vetting.”

“I get it,” I nodded; and I felt a bit bad at having basically infiltrated the meeting – after all, it was supposed to be for gay and trans people only, I didn’t really belong there.

“Anna, what’s this?” Elanor asked. “What’s he–”

“Alright, I think everyone’s here,” Allie said loudly. “And it’s about time for the meeting to begin anyway. Take your seats, everyone.”

I looked around, and saw to my surprise that there were many people in the room, at least a couple dozen, if not more; the GSA had apparently taken over a classroom for the meeting.

The three of us each grabbed a chair, as did the others, and we all sat down in a wide circle. Allie stepped in the middle, to stand next to a girl with long brown hair and a tall black man.

“Welcome, everyone. Since we have a few new people, let us introduce ourselves: we’re Allison, Lena, and Patrick,” she said, motioning to the other two, “and we’re the moderators for the GSA meetings on campus.” She paused and looked around. “The main purpose of the GSA is to have a place where we can discuss queer issues freely, without any fear of being judged. Or just have a chat, that’s good too. You can talk about anything you like, no issue is off-limits, but please do be mindful of other people’s feelings and boundaries.”

She paused again, and looked around. “And since there’s a lot of people here, I say we can split into smaller groups for today, say five to six people? Just grab a few folks, make a circle with your chairs, and start talking.”

There was a murmur of agreement, and we started shuffling chairs around: Anna, Elanor, and I ended up in a group with three other people – a short, somewhat chubby girl who had jet-black shoulder-length hair, wearing a knee-length black dress with black tights and white trainers; a tall and lithe blonde girl, who looked quite comfortable in a jumpsuit; and a brunette who had her hair tied back in a tight bun.

“Alright,” Anna said, when we’d had a few moments to look at each other. “I know everyone here, but let’s go around and say our name and pronouns, just in case. Anna, she and her.”

She nodded to the blonde girl, who was sitting to her right, who nodded back. “Nora. She and her.”

“Jillian,” the brunette said.

After a few moments, Nora reached over and prodded her in the shoulder with a finger.

“Alright, fine. She and her,” Jillian added.

“There. Was that so hard?” Nora asked.

Jillian frowned. “I just don’t see the point.”

Nora looked at her for a moment, but didn’t say anything.

Next was the black-haired girl. “Victoria,” she said. “She and her.”

And then, suddenly, it was my turn.

I looked around the circle, gulped nervously, and licked my lips.

“Um… Lily. She and her, please.”

“…Oh,” I heard Elanor say; I turned to face them, and gave them a weak smile.

“Yeah, surprise,” I said.

“See?” Nora said. “I never would’ve guessed. That’s why this kind of stuff is useful.”

I turned back to face her just in time to see Jillian scoff, though she didn’t say anything; I looked at her for a moment, but then turned my attention back to Elanor as they said, “Elanor, they and them.”

“Alright!” Anna said brightly. “Now that we’re all on the same page, does anyone have something they’d like to talk about?”

She looked around expectantly, but I understood that she was giving me an opening to ask a question.

“Yeah, I do have a question, actually,” I said. “How do you know if you’re really a queer person? Like, is there a particular feeling, or what?”

“That’s easy to answer,” Jillian said. “You’re queer if you’re in love with people of your same sex.”

Nora frowned slightly. “I think Lily was asking specifically about being trans, Jill,” she said.

Jillian shrugged. “No clue then. Don’t know shit about it.”

“Be nice,” Nora said, giving Jillian a light slap on the shoulder.

I frowned a bit at the dismissive and aggressive reply, but let it slide. “What I meant was, is there a way of telling for sure if someone is trans or not? Like, a test or something?”

“Sadly, there isn’t,” Elanor replied. “There’s no way to make a diagnosis, it’s something that you have to feel deep inside yourself. Some people figure it out at a very young age, while for others it takes quite a while. And it’s difficult to identify the exact flavour of trans you are, too,” they continued. “I knew I was transgender at a very young age, but I only realised I’m non-binary over the past year, year and a half.”

“Right,” I said, nodding slowly. “And this… this ‘feeling deep inside,’ is it something continuous, or does it come and go?”

Elanor shrugged. “Depends,” they said. “For some it’s just a mild feeling, a background buzz throughout their lives. For others, it causes them serious distress, even if they don’t know exactly what the reason is.” They gave me a significant look. “And it causes them to lash out.”

I looked at them sheepishly. “…Yeah. Sorry about that,” I said.

“Lily only figured out she’s trans less than a week ago,” Anna explained. “I knew her before then, and I can tell you she was remarkably spiky.”

Everyone in the group nodded in acknowledgement, except for Jillian, who frowned.

“Sorry about that,” I repeated.

“I know that feeling, girl,” Victoria said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder; for some reason, I felt a fuzzy, fluttery sensation deep in the pit of my stomach. “I realised I was trans, like, a good half dozen years ago, but I tried to keep it hidden away until the very end of high school, and let me tell you, I was supremely toxic to everyone.” She took a deep breath, and let it out. “Like, holy shit. It was probably my family environment – my parents still don’t know – but I did plenty of stuff I’m not proud of, and I’m trying to make amends for it. It took another trans girl coming out to make me realise there was a different way to go about it.”

I looked at her, and nodded. “So you’re saying I have to figure out my way to go about it?”

“Right,” Victoria replied. “You need to find out what works for you, if you’re a complete butch or a femme or whatever, and all the stuff. Try things out, see how they feel.”

Jillian snorted. “As if,” she said.

I turned to look at her, as did everyone else. “I’m sorry?” Victoria asked.

“I said, as if,” Jillian repeated. “All of this? It’s just playing dress up. It’s not real.”

Victoria frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“What I’m talking about is that gay and lesbian and bi people have been fighting for our rights since decades ago, and now you come along, and try to claim we’re the same,” Jillian spat out.

“We are the same,” Anna said pointedly.

“Are we?” Jillian replied. “This new thing about ‘gender’ is a fad anyway, and even if it weren’t gender is not attraction, they’re separate things. There’s all this talk about ‘queer spaces’ and ‘LGBT spaces,’ but where are the spaces for LGB people? They’re gone!”

“Jill,” Nora said quietly, looking at her.

“You think we don’t need safe spaces, too?” Victoria said. “I have yet to come out to anyone from my family. My dad would literally kill me if he knew I was trans!”

“I can’t opt out of being a lesbian,” Jillian snapped.

“I can’t opt out of being trans,” Victoria rebutted.

“Sure you can,” Jillian said. “It’s all clothes and presentation anyway, you just put on a pair of pants and–”

“JILLIAN!” Nora shouted.

All noise in the room stopped; everyone turned to look at our group, and at the scene that was unfolding.

“Enough,” Nora said, more quietly. “That’s enough.”

Jillian seemed to hesitate. “What do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean I can’t put up with this any more. I’m done. We’re done,” Nora replied.

Jillian went pale. “You’re not…?”

“I’m breaking up with you, Jill. I’m sorry,” Nora said. Then after a moment, she added, “No, you know what? I’m not sorry.”

Jillian gulped; she seemed to be on the verge of tears. “But…” she began.

“Is something the matter here?” one of the moderators – Lena, I recalled her name being – said, approaching our group.

“Yeah,” Victoria replied. “Jillian doesn’t believe trans people are real, and she’s being stubborn and offensive about that.”

Lena turned to the rest of the group. “Is it true?” she asked. “Jillian?”

“Well…” Jillian said, but then stopped.

“Care to repeat what you said about ‘playing dress up?’” Nora said. “About how trans people are just pretending, and can stop being trans any time?”

I felt a pang of guilt at Nora’s words, but didn’t say anything.

“I…”

Lena frowned. “Is that what you said?”

Jillian looked at her, then wordlessly nodded.

“I see,” Lena said. “Alright. Will you apologise for saying that?”

Jillian didn’t say anything; the silence in the room was deafening, you could hear a pin drop.

Lena’s eyes hardened. “I think you should leave, Jillian.”

Jillian looked at her in surprise. “Leave? But…” she said.

“No buts,” Lena replied. “Leave.”

Jillian looked around, tears in her eyes; her gaze stopped over many people, apparently looking for support, but she found none. She took a deep breath, and threw her head back.

“Fine,” she hissed. “Fine.” She bent over, picked up her bag, and made her way to the door. “You know what? Fuck y’all.” She threw the door open, turned around, and left walking backwards, showing us the finger – with both hands; then she slammed the door closed behind her.

Lena slowly exhaled. “Oh, I always hate having to do this,” she said; she turned to us and continued, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, we’re okay,” Anna said, to which we all nodded; Lena nodded back, and left to go back to her group.

“Sorry, you three,” Nora said. “I knew Jill had… weird ideas about trans people, only I hadn’t realised how much.” She took a deep breath, and then smiled. “So, what were we talking about?”

As the conversation resumed and shifted to other topics besides trans issues, I was bewildered; what had that all been about? I thought all gay and transgender people were always on the same page about everything, but from what had just happened, that was apparently not the case. And it had been no mere disagreement: Nora and Jillian had clearly been dating, but broke up as a result of their differences in opinion.

This was bizarre, and I didn’t really know what to make of it.

-----

I stretched a bit as I stood up from my chair, while looking at my watch at the same time: it was almost dinnertime.

“So, what did you think of the meeting?” Anna asked as she and Elanor approached me.

“It was… interesting,” I replied. “Especially the first part, I didn’t expect that.”

Anna laughed. “Yeah, things aren’t usually that contentious. I’m sorry, I didn’t want your first approach to the queer community at large to be like that.”

I waved my hand dismissively. “No big deal. So, you’ll let me know when the next meeting is?”

“Yeah,” Elanor nodded. “And, about that, we were planning on going to dinner with Vicky and Nora now; wanna come with?”

I looked at them for a moment, then hesitantly nodded. “If it’s not a bother…”

“No bother at all,” they said. “After all, us queers must stick together, right?”

“Right,” I replied with a smile. “Let’s go.”