Canon Fodder

“Fucking hell,” I said. We were in the city, being escorted by the group of 10 Mian’s that had been involved in opening the portal. The city itself was nice, tall dome shaped buildings all around us. They were built in various heights, but all had curved tops. The road at our feet was some kind of thick polymer. People streamed out of their homes to watch as we were escorted to their king. Every single one of the Mian’s was male. 

 

“Quit your bitching,” Tabi said with a yawn. “You can still have sex with them.”

“They look like dudes,” I retorted. “My first alien planet and it’s nothing but genderless frogs. I freaking get dropped on Namek without the Dragon Balls.” 

 

“Again, quit your bitching,” she said. “At least we are off that planet.”

“Easy for you to say. You have no sex drive,” I said. “I’ve been away from women for so long, even these guys look hot.” 

 

“Then-go-have-sex-with-them.”

“Fuck no. I can just lea-” 

“Stop talking about leaving,” she hissed. “You’re always talking about jumping worlds. You need focus. I don’t know if you noticed, but you become dumb when you are sated on sex. It took you days after coming to this doorway for you to push it out of your mind. Look at all you have accomplished in 6 months. You are far stronger than old you.”

“What's the point of being strong without sex?” I asked. “You don’t know what it’s like, Tabi. It’s like a big part of my life has been taken from me while I was imprisoned on that world. And now that I am free, all I want to do is catch up on all I missed.”

“I don’t understand your obsession with sex,” she admitted. “But I know what it's like to be imprisoned far longer than you.”

I quieted as I realized she was right. Her Haki leaked sadness. As a tailed beast she had spent generations trapped inside someone. Unable to be trusted, she was treated like a nuclear bomb. Ready to blow, if someone challenged the village that controlled the ninja she was attached to. 

“Sorry,” I said with a frown. She didn’t answer as we continued down the street. More people stepped out to watch our procession. We finally got to the supposed castle. More domes in front, apparently we were in the capital city of the Mian’s. The name of the kingdom was a long mouthful that sounded like Fleeshinmothullup, or something. 

 

“Welcome!” An ornately dressed Mian said. This one’s skin had a purple hue. His robes were purple, etched with gold. “It has been so long since we last met those from another world. Welcome to Maelta.” 

 

“Thank you,” I said. “Um not sure exactly what’s going on. But these people saved me from a hellish world. Is there anything that you need…assistance with?” I left the question open ended, hoping for a quest besides trying to beat a Viltrumite. I wanted the reward, but I doubted I would be ready until I could withstand about 10 times gravity, not 3. 

 

The new Mian eyed those that we had saved from the clutches of the Cthulhu monster. “Let us discuss,” he said slowly retreating into the large dome behind him. 

 

Tabi and I shared a look, but followed. Something was going on in this world, some event that had pushed them to try to open portals to other worlds. I suspected we would soon find out why it felt like they weren’t surprised we were there. 

 

—- 

 

“Our planet has been at peace for millennia,” the king said. I had learned much during the long dinner with the royalty of the kingdom. 

 

All of the frog people had no set gender. Like the frogs that made Jurassic Park such a nightmare, the Mians could switch to whatever gender they wanted. Unfortunately for me they still looked like men, so my dream of alien strange was out the window. 

 

After I cleared that up they told me about their people. The amphibious beings had a large planet. Islands spread out over the mostly water world the biggest island was where the capital was, and where the king resided. 

 

He had a mate and children, all as ugly as him. They sat around the short table marveling at Tabi as she dug into a large fish. 

 

“Lately though…” the king said. He was identifiable by a coral-like purple crown. The rock of the crown was deformed and a-symmetrical. “We have been straying away from our roots.”

 

“How so?”

 

“Have you ever heard of…magic?” He asked. 

 

“Uh yeah,” I said. “Like mana and casting spells?”

 

“Exactly. The last few centuries we have diverted from our normal methods. Our species was founded on science. Hypothesis. Trial and error. We created a thing called a turbine centuries ago, do you know what that is?” He asked. I nodded. The king let out a long drawn out sigh “But with the breaking of the Fault Bastions. Far more mana than normal has been released into the air. Allowing the few sorcerers we had to cast bigger and stronger spells.” 

 

That was news to me. I had no idea what he was talking about. But it sounded interesting. It was actually kind of funny. Though his capital appeared simple he said they were focused on science and technology first, and were now digging into magic. 

 

“The newest generation has been mixing the old with the new, creating what we call Magi-tech.” I nodded. I thought some games did that. Technomancer, Final Fantasy 6, maybe a few others. 

 

“And what’s wrong with this Magic-technology?” I asked, sensing he wanted to say more. 

 

“It has caused some…friction with the current generation. Magic on our planet often requires a pure heart. Otherwise the minimal amount of mana leaking from the Fault Lines would have dried up quickly. When the mana capacitor was invented a decade back, wands were no longer required to be attuned to you. Allowing anyone to use them. Those that had no talent for magic are suddenly able to use the most powerful and pure source of power in the world. More people using mana, created a much stronger Fault in the Bastion, allowing them to break…” he continued on. 

 

All I really understood was, “so there are evil wizards?” 

 

“Yes. A few weeks ago, our Magiknights were all killed in a deadly attack. We believe the Olinion Order is at fault, but no Dark Magic was sensed. Your…summoner has noticed that you are quite strong. I am hoping that you can help us maintain a little order while we train more Magiknights.”

 

I perked up, excited to maybe learn magic, but as I looked around, I noticed all the other Mians studying me. Not only the royal family was there, but also the people that had opened the portal and a few advisors. Thinking about it more I was starting to think that maybe this whole portal opening business was a classic troupe in Isekai manga. These frog-men were summoning a hero. 

 

They heard some psychic call. Hope it’s someone that can help them. Their heroes are dead, they look for outside assistance. 

 

“Fuck,” I mumbled. Hero stories were never good. The summoners always put their people’s needs over the need of the hero. Which was fine for some young dumb kid, but I was the hero. This wasn’t the main story of Invincible. I had to get the hell out of there. 

 

I eyed the man that had opened the portal. If he could do it once, he could do it again. 

 

“I am amenable to helping you,” I said. “But I would appreciate learning about this Magitech. To learn how to…fight against it.”

 

“That is a fine idea,” the king said, perking up. “Cathrpish,” he said, pointing at the man I had saved. “Will be available to acclimate you to such things. As the royal wizard his knowledge is far more vast than anyone else in the kingdom.” 

 

I nodded. Planning to threaten the hell out of the guy to open another portal. For now I had to sit and wait. The king continued talking about this or that group causing trouble. I believed I was offered my own nightly companion, but I was emphatic about not being interested. As the meal ended and I got my fill of bugs I was allowed to find a residence to stay at when a newcomer made their presence known. 

 

Opening the door like she owned the place the woman radiated power. Her spiritual energy a force of its own, I stiffened as she approached the table. Short cut black hair, sharp chin and nose, small ears, she had a thin frame. Thin muscles peeking from under her skin. With every movement she was a coiled snake ready to strike. 

 

“Lady Anissa,” the king said to the Viltrumite. A wide smile on his frog face as she approached. 

 

“King Hnftell,” she said, obviously experienced at saying his name. Her eyes were focused on him, but her attention was on Tabi and I. “I just came back from my homeworld. I see you have guests, though. Am I interrupting?”

 

Her eyes like a hawks, she focused on me. I got a crazy ex-girlfriend vibe from her, but not just crazy. Batshit utterly mindbending schizophrenic tri-polar bi-sexual single-minded mass murdering homicidal maniac insane was a better description. As a planet killer she would have to be. She made Toga feel like an innocent little girl in comparison. I actually felt bad for how badly I judged Toga as I faced a true murderer like this woman. Toga couldn’t help it. This girl liked killing. Seduction wasn’t an option. And in her presence, defeating her wasn’t an option either. This was one quest I was going to have to skip. 

 

“No, not at all,” the king said. “This is-“

 

“Weston,” I said with a wave. “I’m from Earth.”

 

“Earth? That name sounds familiar,” she said, her eyes not blinking or showing anything but readiness to kill. 

 

“The Mians were telling me that you were a species called Viltrumite. Your people apparently travel the universe and help underdeveloped species. Is that right?”

 

“It is,” Anissa said with a smile. Despite the crazy vibe she was gorgeous, especially after my dry spell. Dark hair cut short, she had an amazing rack that was hard to look away from. But since she could kill me easily I kept it respectful and focused on the crazy eyes. 

 

“There wouldn’t happen to be a Viltrumite on my world, would there?” I asked, playing dumb to the plight that was headed everyone’s way. My control of my heart rate was firm as I tried not to panic near her.

 

“Perhaps. If so, you are very lucky. What brings you to this world?” She asked. 

 

“A mishap with a portal. These nice folks happened to save me.”

 

“That’s good,” she said. “The Mians are selfless people.”

 

“You um, wouldn’t happen to have a ship?” I asked. “You said you came from your own homeworld?”

 

“I do not have one. My people are very…adaptable. We can even fly through space.”

 

“Wow, that’s amazing,” I said truthfully. I really wanted the physiology of a Viltrumite. “Well I’ve had a long few months. I’d like to rest, and I’m sure you have items to discuss with the king about.”

 

I stood up and others followed. 

 

“Thank you for your consideration, Weston,” the king said. Shaking my hand. “We will help you as much as we can. I hope you will do the same.”

 

“You can count on it,” I said. Following Cathrpish outside, Tabi jumped on my shoulder as we ventured back out to the city. 

 

“There’s your female,” Tabi teased. “You should try to sate your lust on her.”

 

“Fuck that, during sex she could sneeze and rip my dick off,” I said, unsure if I was joking or not. “Let’s learn some magic and get the hell out of here.”

 

“Really? But your quest.”

 

“Quest rewards are only useful if you live to enjoy them,” I pointed out. 

 

“And here I thought you were dumb,” Tabi whispered. “Let us get you back home so we can move past these death traps.” I nodded, doubtful Earth was much safer. Either way I was ready to be away from the eyes of a Viltrumite.