Well at Least I’m a Magic Pirate Now

Erastus 1

The dancing balls of fairy light swirled into the cavern, illuminating a bloodstained stone slab etched with overlapping stylized octopi. The altar, for it could be nothing else, stood on a raised platform above the water in the center of a huge vaulted chamber, with half a dozen small passageways branching off in all directions. Across from the altar, the sounds of the captive sailors echoed through the dark chamber.

Standing atop the altar was the large gray grindylow woman I’d seen on the ship, brandishing a serrated bone spear at my party. Her shark-like face and splaying black tentacles were offset by a slim waist and distinctly mammalian breasts. As Dierdre’s magic illuminated her, she shrieked a word that needed no translation: attack.

Perception 7+3=10 opposed by enemy stealth. You have been ambushed.

Oh son of a-

A many limbed shape rose from the depths behind us, leaving an underwater cavern I had not even thought to inspect while we swam over it. The pale octopus-like creature jetted into position behind us, cutting off any potential escape, and sprayed a cloud of black ink upon my party.

Fortitude Save 1+1=2 Critical Failure! Emrys is nauseated for 3 rounds

Escape Artist to Endure Nausea 17+5=22 Success! You gain a +3 to your save

5 is still a Critical Failure!

Dretch has succeeded its fortitude save

Cog has succeeded his fortitude save

Sosima is immune to nausea

Rosie has failed her fortitude save. She is nauseated for 3 rounds

Sandara has succeeded her fortitude save

Syl has failed her fortitude save, she is nauseated for 1 round

Rowe has succeeded her fortitude save

The ink tingled against my skin, ice cold and clammy even compared to my soaked clothes. It felt alive, pressing into my body, creeping across my flesh towards my head. It wanted in. I raked my fingernails across my skin and swam away from the loathsome cloud. I needed it off. I needed it off immediately.

In the same instant, a dozen spears flew from the darkness beyond the altar as grindylows popped up from behind a large rock across the cavern. Half of the deadly projectiles were wasted on the Dretch charging at their leader, and another splashed into the water a foot from Sosima. The last two, unfortunately, were perfectly aimed at the demon’s summoner: me.

You have been struck with a spear for 4 damage

You have been struck with a spear for 2 damage

You have 5 remaining health

Initiative has been rolled!

Combat has begun.

There are three main threats that we know of. A woman that seems to be some kind of shaman or priestess, a dozen spearmen made of tissue paper attacking from the darkness, and a giant fucking squid. The shaman seems confident standing out front to draw attention, so she’s probably better at taking a punch than me. The squid opened with crowd control, but it’s a giant monster. Probably dangerous in melee. The grindylow chaff usually goes down quickly to the dretch’s 2-5 damage claws, but that’s a lot of spears; if they pick their targets more intelligently, they could do a lot of damage.

I wrestled control of my body from Autopilot’s frantic scratching, and started directing my team. I was no tactical genius, but I had the advantage of time to think.

“Rowe, Sosima, Cog! Get the ones in the back!” I called. “Dretch, Worm, I command you to attack the big squid! Sandara, keep us alive! Everyone else, collapse on the magic woman!”

Rowe, at least, performed flawlessly. She pulled a large rusted pipe out of her bag, slung it over her shoulder like a bazooka, and it exploded. Four rune etched rocks flew through the air, bending their trajectory towards the mass of spear throwers. When they made contact they each popped like a firecracker, scything through the packed grindylows. Five fell to the shrapnel, shards of stone piercing their bodies.

Cog, as a big guy with a weapon, was the first target for the lady shaman’s magic. She pointed a bone rod at him, and a patina of frost rapidly grew across his dagger. Cog had seen this spell absolutely destroy Caulky on the ship, so he threw his dagger immediately. It was a quick throw, but he almost managed to strike the shaman before dashing off to deal with the chaff barehanded.

Sosima darted forward, all pretense of civility vanishing as she picked out a grindylow to be her prey. After the initial blast, the spearmen were scattering in all directions. There was far more panic guiding their movements than discipline, so it was easy for the ghoul to mark one that couldn’t expect any aid. Unfortunately, the knee high water made it difficult to gather momentum for a proper pounce; she had to stop short as the grindylow slashed his spear at her defensively.

Syl tossed two of her new spears at the shaman, one after another. The shaman dodged the first, but the second spear hit its mark just fine.

Syl has struck the Brineblood Queen for 5 damage

The Brineblood Queen? Yeah, she’s a boss monster. No one has a name that extra unless they are a big deal.

As I’d expected, the Queen barely seemed to notice the dart despite it doing enough damage to wipe out one of her tribesmen. Clearly, she was a much beefier target. The Queen was too focused on Rowe for wiping out half the ambush to spare Syl more than a fleeting glance.

Things weren’t all good for my party. The Dretch had largely ignored my orders. My initial contract had been too focused on who it wasn’t allowed to kill, leaving a dangerous amount of leeway for the vicious little monster. Instead of engaging with the squid as I’d commanded, it had splashed forward to look into the cavern with the prisoners. I could just barely make out a gigantic, hulking figure in the darkness, and panicked cries from the prisoners. (Perception 8+3=11)

What did it do? Oh shit, what did that little asshole do?

It’s entirely possible it used its summoning ability to call forth another Dretch to deal with the monstrosity waiting for us there. It can only attempt to do so once per day, and will generally fail. You are familiar with a dretch’s capabilities, yes? (Knowledge Planes 4+2=6)

Oh shit. Does summoning count as harming another creature? It wouldn’t, would it? Fuck! He just unleashed a demon on the crew!

I didn’t have much time to process that, as a sickening set of messages popped up in my field of view.

Rosie has been grabbed by crushing tentacles, taking 23 damage.

Rosie is unconscious

Rosie has been Grappled

Rosie has been bitten by the Devilfish, taking 12 damage.

Rosie has exceeded her negative hp threshold and taken a mortal wound

I froze as Rosie’s arm was ripped clean off of her body, the moment searing itself into my memory. The useless voidworm gummed at the squid creature’s head, entirely failing to do anything to distract the monster. A stone settled in my stomach as I realized this was all my fault, and autopilot fell to the ground, clawing the ink away as I lost control.

She didn’t have plot armor. Not compared to the rest of the party. I dropped her down to follower so that I could fit in Sosima.

If I’d planned the summoning better, the Dretch would have been distracting that thing for at least a round. I fucked it up, and now it’s running rampant.

I ordered everyone but the outsiders forward while Rosie and Syl were nauseated. If it hadn’t been Rosie, it would have been Syl. I killed Rosie, and I killed her by making a stupid call and getting us ambushed.

Sandara dragged Rosie away from the Devilfish, wasting a healing spell on the inert corpse.

No. Not again. I can’t freeze again. They need backup, not a wreck, and autopilot is out of commission.

I plucked the spear from my shoulder and charged at the Dretch. I wasn’t going to do much good against the sea monster, but the demon might. I grabbed it and forced it to look at me, pressing my spear against its throat for emphasis. It’s breath stung my eyes. Abyssal came to my lips unbidden, as natural as the Mandarin my gran taught me.

“You will kill that creature, the aquatic one that has destroyed the halfling.” I growled in the guttural language, “you will rip it to shreds or die trying. If you both survive, I swear to you I will make you wish for the abyss with all your blackened heart before I kill you.”

It was a hollow threat. I was almost incapable of physically harming the Dretch. The demon didn’t know that, though, and it took my threat seriously. It scrambled towards what was probably instant death, and I prayed to Besmara that it would buy my friends at least one more turn.

Behind me, another explosion blew away a pair of grindylow. When I turned to look, Sosima and Cog were busy mopping up the stragglers. A phantom chorus of cheers, emanating from the air around the ghoul, swelled as she ripped the guts out of another foe.

She gets buffed by impressing the crowd. Have her take out a few minions, and she can go after the boss in peak condition.

“Sosima! Get the Queen!” I yelled, “Cog, handle the rest and get some healing!”

Crimson Cogward lunged from grindylow to grindylow, actively provoking attacks just so that he could counter them with heavy punches. Concussed grindylows floated in the cloud of blood dripping from his knuckles, thoroughly neutralized. On my turn, I checked his character sheet and saw that he’d only taken four nonlethal damage so far. He was the only mortal in the party with any kind of toughness enhancing abilities. If and when the Dretch died, Cog would be our only line of defense unless the voidworm could do a better job of providing a distraction.

I pulled the Mirror of Opposition out of my bag. The bulky wall-hung magic mirror was my trump card, allowing me to summon an allied clone of one target. I’d only get to use it once, but in that moment I’d have gladly activated it and summoned a devilfish of my own. There was only one problem.

Fuck! How do I activate this thing? Autopilot was sure he could do it as a standard action, but it’s just a mirror!

I had two more rounds left before Autopilot would be doing much of anything, unfortunately. The Queen was retreating from Syl and Dierdre, fending them off with her spear as she backed towards the room with the prisoners. Sosima dove in to take a bite out of her left arm, prompting the Queen to slap the water with her spear. As she did, dense kelp exploded out of the water, wrapping around her foes as she jetted backwards. Only Dierdre, floating above the water’s surface, escaped the entangling vegetation and continued dive bombing the Queen.

As expected, the Dretch was killed quickly, releasing a cloud of fetid geen ichor when the devilfish focused upon it. The minor demon was the quintessential bully; it was incredibly dangerous when picking on those weaker than itself, but it folded like a cheap suit when up against something able to hurt it. I wasn’t going to lose sleep over sending that thing to die, but I’d hoped for more time. Sandara’s doppelgänger stood tall, ready to face the creature down solo while the real Sandara dragged Rosie’s body to a raised stone.

That might buy us another round, but then again it might not. This thing was at least smart enough to ambush us.

Rowe was attempting to arm another rocket launcher while an octopus harassed her. It was not a giant monster octopus, nor was it a fiendish octopus. I wasn’t sure if it was summoned, a pet, or just an incredibly inconvenient bit of curious wildlife, but it had decided to join the fight. Rowe didn’t even seem to feel particularly threatened, just inconvenienced, but it was certainly slowing down her rate of fire. I knew my limits. I charged the octopus with my spear, holding the mirror in my off hand.

Stick it with the pointy end, let the ranged dps focus on the big scary monster.

In the next round, the devilfish stopped to deal with the irritating little snake buzzing around its head. I thanked Besmara for the luck, especially as the Voidworm proved unreasonably resistant to attack. The devilfish killed by grabbing a target in its crushing grip and dragging the helpless victim to its beak. Luckily, Proteans were fundamentally incapable of sitting still, even when restrained. The little snake melted into a liquid form for a fragment of a second, slipping from the devilfish’s grip battered, but very much alive.

I jabbed the octopus’s rubbery flesh with my spear, dislodging it from Rowe. As I wrestled the angry cephalopod, I heard the bang of another set of goblin-crafted seeker missiles and a gurgling shriek of pain.

Good. Shame that was Rowe’s last shot with the seeker missiles.

Syl straightened in the kelp, and sized up the devilfish. Her Tavern Brawler talent allowed her to use almost anything as an effective improvised weapon, and the Two Weapon Fighting sphere allowed her to make an attack with each hand as a standard action. She put the grindylow spears to good use, whipping two at the devilfish and scoring one solid hit.

Sosima tore the entangling kelp off of her body before scrambling after the queen. As she did, her arms and legs lengthened so she could drag herself forward. Her jaw seemed to dislocate for a horrendous, enraged scream. A rhythmic stomp, stomp, clap rang in the air around her, spurring her to continue the hunt.

She’s not going to take direction, is she? Probably too worked up.

Rowe, still unable to use her waterlogged gun, pulled out one of her magical traps. Instead of setting it, she used it like a crossbow, launching rusted bits of metal from her rapidly emptying bag of tricks. The launcher was unstable in her hands. My combat feed reported a -5 to accuracy for neglecting to properly arm the “trap”. It was all she had left; alchemist fire wouldn’t be very effective against something that could submerge itself immediately.

Sandara stood over Rosie, her sword raised defensively. Her doppelgänger mirrored the stance to her left. I saw her clutch her sodden holy symbol tight, and winced as the Devilfish swung a thick tentacle to grab her. For a fragment of a second, Sandara vanished. Instead, a towering woman with black hair stood in her place. Instinctively, I knew I was seeing Besmara manifest before me. She had one hand on her hip, smirking. Everything about her demeanor said “go on, give me an excuse.” The devilfish faltered, and did not follow through with its strike.

Sandara’s Sanctuary has deflected an attack

Sanctuary was a spell that Sandara had started preparing after her demise. Its mechanical effect forced attackers to make a will save if they wished to strike the caster. It lasted for one round per level, but would break if Sandara attacked anything. For a dedicated healer, that caveat hardly existed.

There’s no way Besmara was really there. First level spells do not summon gods. Right?

Cog stepped in to replace Sandara in melee, punching the killer octopus thing for a respectable 5 damage. Autopilot’s nausea status wore off, but I decided to hold off on the mirror. There was another monster in the next room over, after all. I instead focused my evil eye upon the Devilfish, causing muscle spasms. Crimson needed only to endure and dodge for a few moments, so that Syl and the goblin could bring the creature down. (Enemy Will save failed. -2 to all d20 rolls for 3 rounds.)

Cog, in contrast to his recklessness against the grindylows, fought defensively against the devilfish. He moved constantly, only stopping for quick, opportunistic jabs. He was able to slip past the lashing tentacles, harassing the creature without letting himself be dragged in. The voidworm, fully recovered from his mauling, flitted around the Devilfish’s head to annoy and distract the squid-like leviathan. Sandara dipped in, taunting the devilfish alongside her doppelgänger; Sanctuary’s duration had already expired, but the devilfish didn’t know that.

Crimson Cogward is fighting defensively, +2 to AC, -4 to attack

Voidworm is using aid another, +2 to Crimson Cogward’s AC

Sandara is using aid another, +2 to Crimson Cogward’s AC

Combined with my curse, that’s an effective +8 to his AC. Cog should be nearly untouchable to most things.

Syl ran out of spears and started throwing rocks. That probably should have been less effective, but in Syl’s hands they were all just Light Improvised Weapons. She chipped away at the Devilfish for three rounds as Cog danced with death and Rowe fished for a lucky kill shot. I threw in a Ray of Frost, but stopped after only one round.

Ray of Frost strikes for 1-10=0 cold damage. Target has cold resistance.

I readied my curse, but it proved unnecessary. One of Rowe’s burnt out missile pipes, snatched from the floor to serve as additional ammo, slammed into the trunk of its body. Black blood sprayed out, splattering the wall. The devilfish finally decided it had enough, and turned to flee. Cog refused to leave the job unfinished, and grabbed one of the spears still sticking out of the creature from Syl’s efforts. The escaping beast’s wound ripped open as the serrated spear came loose along with a gob of flesh the size of my fist.

“It won’t survive that level of blood loss without immediate magical healing.” Syl shouted, her voice carrying the authority of a successful heal check. “We need to back up the ghoul.”

As if on cue, a bellowing roar sounded from the direction of the prisoners. Sosima, covered in blood and completely bereft of her illusion, bolted through the arched doorway with a corpse in tow. On my turn, I checked her character sheet and saw that she had only 3 hit points left.

https://imgur.com/a/UnRhgts

Cog wrestled his way through the kelp forest as Syl finally broke free of entanglement. Rowe, in a panic, started gathering any oblong chunk of metal she could find to use as ammo. They needn’t have bothered.

The creature that roared was a giant, bloated grindylow. Titanic, larger than the jollyboat in fact. It reached one flabby arm through the opening, disproportionately short and stubby on its massive frame, but got stuck in the entranceway to his own chamber.

Lamashtu, mother of monsters, will sometimes bless a child with her kiss. This is especially common if the birth happens near one of her shrines, like the one here. This inevitably makes the child more dangerous, but the demon queen’s gifts are chaotic and rarely take the creature’s surroundings into account. Occasionally, the result is a mismatch like this: a giant raised in a network of narrow caves. Of course, killing or neglecting a child blessed by a fickle demonic goddess is likely to backfire spectacularly, no matter how inconvenient its upkeep. (Knowledge Religion 18+2+2 (blasphemous covenant)=22. Success!)

“Stay back, try to kill it before it gets through.” I yelled, firing off a ray of frost.

The giant’s red eyes were focused entirely on Sosima as it dragged itself through the passage. It’s skin scraped against the walls of the passage, taking off layers of flesh as it pursued its vengeance with single minded determination. The giant’s head was exposed, and it was near impossible to miss. It wasn’t a fight. It was a slaughter.

••••••••••

“Push!” I yelled for the eighth time, signaling another attempt.

Cog strength check 3+3+2(Sandara)+2(Emrys)+0(rowe)=10

The huge bulk shifted, perhaps an inch, down the passage. The leviathan grindylow hadn’t been a difficult fight, but was proving quite an obstacle despite that. As far as the Voidworm could tell, this passage was the only way in or out of the giant’s chambers. So long as the beast was lodged firmly into the passage, the prisoners weren’t getting out. Worse, the chamber was reportedly cramped, with a limited air supply. The men on the other side were so laden down that they couldn’t assist, and half my own party were otherwise occupied.

Rosie, one of our strongest party members, was unconscious and missing an arm. I was relieved to discover she was still alive, thanks to Sandara’s prompt healing, and Syl was busy doing everything possible to keep her that way. She was missing her dominant arm. Rosie would need days to recover even with extensive magical healing, and she’d have a lot of trouble working on a ship using nothing but her off hand.

Sandara assured me that high quality magical prosthetics existed; the current ruler of the Shackles, Kerdak Bonefist, was named for his fully functioning skeletal hand. Unfortunately, they were extremely expensive. You could buy a small fishing boat for less than a cheap claw hand that lacked tactile sensation.

I’ll get one for her. No man left behind. She can retire the moment we are off this island, and I’ll still buy her a good one when I can.

Sosima was engaged in a sickening feast, having gathered the grindylows into a pile to eat. The sounds of crunching bones and tearing flesh accompanied us as we forced the blubbery mass. The only thing that even briefly distracted her from her meal was when I praised her.

“You did well, lady Aulamaxa.” I said, “your quick thinking rid the enemy of two champions.”

I was primarily buttering her up at that point. I hoped to enlist her to help push the giant. As an undead, she would not tire from the physical exertion. Indeed, should the corpse grow impossibly stuck our only choice may be to have her eat through the damn thing. (Diplomacy 8+7=15)

“Thank you. Now leave me alone.” She said, looking up at me with gore dripping down her chin. “I am so, so hungry. I need to feed. I need to heal.”

While Autopilot pushed, I checked everyone’s character sheets. Sosima was using her self healing ability on-cooldown, but it didn’t have enough daily uses to fully heal her. Luckily, each corpse she ate also restored a single hit point. It was a gruesome process, but her wounds slowly closed as the bodies vanished down her gullet and seemingly ceased to exist. I hoped and prayed that full health would mean her hunger was back under control.

Owlbear was lightly injured, and when I scrolled back in the combat logs I was surprised to find reports of him fighting a Dretch. The big man had managed to pin the creature, which had vanished when my Dretch was killed. Summoned creatures, unlike Called creatures, had a tenuous connection to the world. Without its summoner, the second Dretch had been tossed back into the Abyss. My Dretch, in contrast, was really dead.

I had received multiple achievements for killing with my Ray of Frost: two instances of Slayer of a Thousand Men. Both had come with upgrades to my cold elemental pea shooter. Weapon Focus (rays) gave me a +1 to hit, while Frost blast boosted the damage to 1d6, gave it the ability to “stagger” targets for one turn, and added scaling so it would get even stronger as I leveled up.

Stagger meant that a target would be reduced to a single action per turn. Normally someone could run up to an enemy as a move action, then make an attack as a standard action. When staggered, your turn would end with the movement. Even better, certain powerful abilities like my summon spell took a full round on their own, and stagger locked them out of using those abilities entirely. The damage boost was nice and all, but the crowd control was what really excited me. With these upgrades, Ray of Frost went from a last resort to a reliable default.

“Rowe,” I said, breathing hard. “Take a look around the room for anything valuable, eh? I think we’ll be at this for a while and only you and I can see in the dark.”

The little goblin tried, but she wasn’t adding much to the strength checks. Better to have her start looting the place instead. I’d do a sweep with detect magic before we left, but I trusted her to be an industrious little magpie. If anything she’d grab everything valuable and then just keep going.

••••••••••

When we finally dislodged the fatty, Sosima bolted up. She tried to run past us, but Cog at least was too heavy for her to push out of the way.

“Please. My earrings.” She whined. “I need them or no one will trust me. I’ll die. I’ll never escape.”

She looked at us, realization dawning on her. Cog was staring down at her with open revulsion, but he made no move to draw his dagger. Sandara rolled her eyes and stepped out of the way.

“Girl, we’ve known you were a ghoul since we met you.” She chuckled. “You’re a lot nicer to look at with the earrings, but there’s no need to get your shift twisted.”

“I told you.” I said quietly. “I intend to help you off this island. I pay my debts, and today you helped save the life of my friend. If you can behave, I intend to keep you around for a long time. We’re going to get my crewmates somewhere stable, and then I’ll help you find your earrings, deal? Once we’re somewhere safe, I have something I want to try.

She stared, dumbstruck, and nodded slowly. I patted her on the shoulder, and summoned a trio of dancing purple lights to herald my entrance. It felt good to hear four men cheering.

••••••••••

Mission Complete

Rescue Owlbear Hartshorn/all allies kidnapped by the Brinebrood Grindylows of Bonewrack Isle

Rewards: 1 exp, 1 Manual of Retraining/ 1 exp, 1 feat