READ WEBNOVEL Chapter 41: Body and Soul
After we get inside, I look for Mom and find out that she’s in her room. I tap on her door, and she calls out, “Come in.” The moment she sees me, she smiles. “Hi Baby, you’re back earlier than I thought.”
I don’t even reply. Instead, I walk over, sit down on her lap, wrap my arms around her neck and rest my head on her shoulder. Somehow, and don’t ask me how, she seems to realize that I’m not ready to talk yet, so she pulls me a little closer and simply holds me as she gently strokes my hair.
What do you do when your head and your heart are telling you two different things?
I’m not going to relate much about our conversation, but I told her about my fears, and she told me that it’s probably going to take me some time to get past them and trust Dan fully.
If I had no other reason for hating my father, this would be more than enough. I don’t understand how someone, who supposedly loved and wanted what was best for me, could do this to their already messed up child.
◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇ ◆ ◇
The week at school almost seems to fly by. Nothing happens out of the ordinary. Class, cheer practice, and helping Dan study after school. I’ve done my best to maintain a normal facade, although Dan knows that something is bothering me. I finally broke down Tuesday during his study session. We’ve had several conversations about my father and what he did to me over the years since then. The fact that it hurt and bothered Dan was patently obvious just by the look in his eyes and body language.
Before he left to go home Wednesday evening, he told me, “Andie, I’m happy you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about everything, but you might think about seeing a professional. I wish I was enough to help you, but I’m not.”
Thursday, when Mom gets home, she tells me, “Remember, you have an appointment with Dr. Ghere to see about removing your cast tomorrow morning.”
As if I could forget. I am so looking forward to getting rid of this awkward, heavy thing. Not to mention that it’s a constant reminder of what my father did to me. “I remember,” I tell her quietly and return my attention to finishing my physics homework. I never notice her pain-filled expression, nor her involuntarily reaching out to me.
[Friday, May 24th]
Another normal morning, I get up, shower with Alla, we get dressed in our cheer uniforms, and then eat, although Alla will be taking my car and going to school without me since Mom is taking me to my appointment with Dr. Ghere to hopefully remove my cast.
In her office, I’m taken for an X-ray. Then, Dr. Ghere comes in and says that my cast is ready to come off. Once it’s removed, Mom tells her, “I need you to give Andie something for depression and a referral to a good psychologist.”
Dr. Ghere looks at me and asks, “Andie, are you depressed?” I merely shrug. “Is this about your father?” I shrug again, and she sighs. “Andie, I know he hurt you badly, and I don’t mean physically. Being depressed because of it would be normal.”
I have doubts she could really hear me when I almost whisper, “It isn’t about that.” I look up at her finally. “He’s in my head, and it’s affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. I love Dan.” I stop, shocked that I admitted it. Shaking my head, I continue, “I don’t think I can fully trust any man after what he did, and that’s affecting how I look at Dan. I know that he’d never do what my father did, but emotionally… I’m afraid to let him get closer to me.” Tears form and begin dribbling down my cheeks. “I hate this! I want to get closer to Dan! I want to love him as he deserves, but how am I supposed to do that when I’m deathly afraid? I’m stuck, and I have no idea how to fix this. Fix me! I could wish it away, but that would leave a hole in me, and I know it.” I wipe away my tears. “It’s amazing how he’s gone from our life and still controls me. I truly hate him for it too.” I whisper, “I almost wish he had killed me that day. This is too much.”
Without another word, I get up and walk out of the room. Walking out to the car, I sit down in the passenger seat, bury my face in my hands, and let loose the sobs I’ve been holding in. Mom soon slides into the driver’s seat and pulls me to her, only making me cry that much harder.
It takes quite a while for me to settle down, but once I have, Mom cleans my face and then takes out her phone and dials a number. “Hi, this is Mariam Williams, Andrea’s mother. She is not in any state to return to school today… Okay. Thank you.”
Wordlessly, she starts the car and drives us home. Once we walk inside, she tells me, “Sweetheart, go get into something comfortable and then come back down.”
In my room, I strip out of my cheer uniform, go into the bathroom, wash my face and look at myself in the mirror as I take down my hair and brush it out. I stare at my reflection and wonder, ‘Why can’t I just be happy? I have a boyfriend that loves me unreservedly, so why can’t I just let him do that? Just why does him loving me make me so afraid? He isn’t my father, and they are nothing alike.’ Dropping to my knees, I sob out, “Mother, I need you now more than ever.”
Suddenly, she’s there and pulls me against her. “Hush baby, I’m here now.”
“Where have you been? I needed you.”
“I’m sorry, but I had to wait until you called for me.”
Angrily I state, “More of those idiotic rules! I needed you! You said you’d be here for me!”
“Yes, more of those idiotic rules that I have to abide by. I’m always with you, even if you can’t see me. Do you think I’d do otherwise when it concerns my beloved daughter?”
She touches my forehead and a gentle wave of tranquility runs through me, sweeping away my worries, fear, and pain with it. She stands up, waves at the tub, and it’s full of bubbles and hot water. She undresses and helps me stand. Then she slips into the tub, I step in, sit between her legs, and lean back against her as she wraps me within her arms and pulls me even tighter against her. She kisses my cheek and asks, “Feeling better?”
“Mhmm.”
“I told you before, I’ll always be with you. All you ever need to do is call for me.”
“Mother, why does it have to be so hard? I was happy, and then I ran smack into this. Why? I mean, he’s gone now, so why is he still controlling me? I hate this. I hate him for trying to force me to be someone I wasn’t and never would or could be. Even more so since he’s still controlling my life. What am I supposed to do?”
“Dear heart, I wish I could say we Gods and Goddesses have all the answers, but we don’t. We never have. Unfortunately, we have the same doubts, fears, and all the other negative crap to deal with that you do. He made mortals, and us, in his image.”
“By he, do you mean God?”
“That’s one name for him… Do you truly love Dan?”
I nod. “You know that I do. I doubt I would be this upset if I didn’t. Dan loves me, I have no doubt about that. I know he’d rather cut off his arm than hurt me, too. He shows me in so many ways every single day, and it’s obvious that this has him upset too since it’s hurting me. I’ve never felt so… valued, I guess is the way to say it.”
“My sweet daughter, you are precious beyond price. You have a destiny that is yet to be fulfilled.”
“I have a destiny? I thought we had free will?”
“You do, and they aren’t mutually exclusive. If you make the right decisions, there’s little you’ll want for in life, and if you let him, Dan can and will give you what you truly want.”
I sigh. “There you go being cryptic again, Mother. Can’t you just tell me what you mean instead of hinting at it?”
“No, Love. I can’t. I would if I could, but doing so would interfere too much, and I’m forbidden from doing so. Andrea, look at me.” I turn around and look at her. “Listen, everyone has multiple paths that life can take them down. In one of them, you and Dan are destined for a great many wonderful things, but that destiny is dependent on both of your decisions. I can tell you that Dan has already made the decisions he needed to make for that path to happen. Now, it’s all up to you. You already know what you have to do to achieve that. You’ve dreamed about it already. Follow the dream, and Dan will make all of yours come true. I can say no more than that.”
I lean forward and hug her. “Thank you, that helps a lot,” I murmur.
“Good. Now, you need to get dressed and get downstairs, your Mom is worried about you.”
We step out, then she waves her hand, and we’re dry. “Remember, all you need to do is call for me, and I’ll be here. I love you.”
She hugs me, then kisses my cheek, and I tell her, “I love you too, Mother.”
She disappears, and I head into my room, open a drawer, and remove a cami, a pair of my sleeping shorts, and some panties. Quickly slipping them on, I make my way downstairs to find Mom sitting on the couch waiting for me. I sit down beside her, and she hands me a drink. Taking a sip, I wrinkle my nose for a moment because of the taste.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“It’s a Long Island Iced Tea, and yes, it has alcohol in it. After today, I needed a drink and figured you could use one too.” She takes a long drink of hers and sets it down. “Baby… Did you mean what you told Dr. Ghere? Do you really wish you were dead?”
I take another sip of my drink and set it down on the coffee table. Taking her hands, I look into her eyes and tell her, “No, Mom, I don’t. I was upset. I hate the fact that he is still controlling me even though he’s no longer here. Mom… I love Dan, and I want… No, not want, I need him. Do you remember when you told me about the magic that men and women can make together?” She nods. “He’s my half of that magic. I want and need him because he completes me. I hope that makes sense.”
She smiles at me. “Yes, baby, it makes total sense. You’ve found your one, and you’re lucky enough to have found him early in life. That said, what are you going to do about it?”
I pick up my drink and take another sip, albeit a large one this time, and set it back down. “Mom, would you get mad at me if I said that I want to give myself to him, body and soul?”
She looks at me and quirks an eyebrow. “Do you mean what I think you mean? Sex?”
I give her a one-word answer without looking away, “Yes.”
“Personally, I believe you’re too young to think about sex, but I also know that I can’t stop you if you really want to do it. So, all I’m going to say is to be careful and take precautions so that you don’t get pregnant. I don’t want to see you throw away your future.” She grins at me and quips, “Plus, I’m much too young to become a grandmother,” which makes me laugh.
“Andrea, you are a very bright young lady, and I see a grand future for you. Dan may well have a pivotal role in that future with you, but I want you to think instead of going with the flow if you do fall into bed with him. You already said that you don’t want to ever take birth control, and I’m fine with that, so make him use a condom each and every time you do make love. Remember, you hold the power in the bedroom, and you make the decisions about what he can and can’t do. There’s no hurry, and if he truly loves you, he’ll wait until you say yes. Nuff said?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to tell me these things, and I appreciate it. Believe me, you’ll feel the same way someday when you have children of your own. Now, these drinks aren’t going to finish themselves, and we have all night to do whatever we want.”
Let’s just say that Alla came home after school and found both of us quite tipsy and dancing. I don’t remember much else about that evening.