Isekai Speedrun

Thiefmaster was taken aback for a moment, but then his sadistic smile returned.

“Do continue to speak!” (Thiefmaster)

Okay, that worked. Now I have to reel in the views with an exuberant thumbnail. Thiefmaster doesn’t have any defenses against modern attention-hustling clickbait techniques.

We found a MYSTERIOUS HOUSE and then THIS happened!
I PROMISE you this story about HOUSE is interesting!
Only ONE percent of GENIUSES see this trick HOUSE correctly!
TOP TEN must watch HOUSES, every HOUSE on this list will SURPRISE you!

Let’s use his own lie detector skills against him by spraying the wildest lore. It’s mind magic versus mind magick now.

“There’s this top secret Strangers mansion named after a starfish at Loönois. It’s in the area of constant rain, hidden by rain and fog.”
“A starfish in water, how fitting! And then?” (Thiefmaster)
“Well, if you drive a certain secluded road with any Strangers vehicle, something weird happens: the vehicle suddenly stops. That’s how you know you are close to the mansion. That’s how they found it, dragon’s head Sorry Man and others. And here’s the best part: I can guide you there.”
“Confident words, good, good! Who lives there?” (Thiefmaster)
“All the core members of the Revolution Movement. And there’s this interesting person called Kurdt Krúrick who sees prophetic dreams. He saw you entering this place in a dream and that dream is the true reason we came here.”
“Enough! ...No, continue! This is something I want to hear! Is this person name Kurdt the rumored Mad Seer?” (Thiefmaster)

Ugh, that’s a trap card. I need to tell partial truths to hide the actual truth.

“Kurdt sees you in his dreams and people listen his prophecies. Crystal Pencil writes pamphlets and sends letters.”
“Yes, yes, the dealer of weapons from Crumbling Shores. Yes, this is good!” (Thiefmaster)

Whew, half-truths went through. I don’t want him to turn the dialogue back to myself.

“And so, who are you? What is your place in their hierarchy?” (Thiefmaster)

Damn. Damn it. Damn. Improvise. Discombobulate.

“...I’m a chef.”
“Chef?” (Thiefmaster)
“I cook delicious pasta for the core members. I’m a master of my craft, the best cook in this world. Pancakes with goat milk ice cream and crowberry jam, that’s my forte. You’ve never tasted anything like it. I have such cakes to bake you.”

Thiefmaster grinned like the villain he was.

“Stop, don’t tell me anything anymore!” (Thiefmaster)
“I’m also the head of human resources and chief of corporate foresight in the conglomerate. And also a flag-bearer.”
“Oh, what is all this? What is this?! I told you to stop!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster cackled and took a few steps in a circle around me.

A chill went through my spine. It’s sudden, but this is the end.

Goodbye, cruel world. I’ll die for real now.

“Oh, but why is it not so? Why haven’t you tried to offer me money in exchange for your life, master of kitchen? What are these other tracks in the snow? Why do these two stop and run so suddenly? Where did your companions disappear? Were you perhaps... abandoned? Hou! What is it that you know about me? Ah, it’s such a wonderful mystery, that face of yours! Those words learned from scholarly books! How are your teeth so white and straight? How is your skin so free of speckles, how were you educated and where? Oh, if only… but no, you will be cold soon. Take all these sweet questions and answers into your grave and no one will ever know! Wouldn’t such mystery without answers be exciting? What a wonderful mystery to explore and imagine... Yes, let’s have you struggle here alone, strange scholar! Let’s have you die like a thoughtless animal in a forest!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster kicked me in the middle of his monologue. After the monologue, he grabbed my arms, rolled me on my stomach and started removing my buff coat like a common mugger.

Full body search. He took my ammo. He took my dagger and my curved knife. He found my packs of dried food, sniffed them and put them in his bag.

Please don’t take the cards, don’t take the cards too –

– He didn’t take the cards? He didn’t care about my card belt. He doesn’t recognize the value of Strangers’ cards.

Some good luck at least. He didn’t take my waterskin either.

“Yes, what a titillating amount of mysterious knowledge you must hold! And three masterfully crafted revolvers, this is quite a bounty! Oh, my new short-lived companion, this has been a surprisingly pleasurable alliance! I must now bid thee farewell, noble warrior, for I must go and take everything in your hidden house! I shall leave your cold flesh for the forest animals!” (Thiefmaster)

Oh-kay. Original timeline events triggered.

...No, what am I even doing? I’m exposing everyone to danger when trying to save my own behind, that’s what I’m doing.

Sorry, Sera and everyone. Crys and Kim and Rain and Mirim – I have to leave this boss to you, the kids at the orphanage can’t win him.

My run might end here, but at least this jackass dies when he finds the mansion like in the anime.

“But there’s another dilemma, another delicious dilemma: should I follow your companions east first, or should I visit your invisible home south first… Oh, what should I do, what should I do?” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster walked in circles, then suddenly stopped and turned back to me.

“But why should I leave my newest accomplice alive? Wouldn’t that be rude to my previous accomplices whom are all dead now? ...I see, I see! You must die by my hands after all! No, but there is another way, is there...? Yes… No! Let’s have you die by your own weapon! Is this the answer? Is this the path that amuses me...?” (Thiefmaster)

Dammit, stop with the backpedaling and make up your mind. Are you going to kill me or not?

He’s winding up for a ranged attack. What can I do? I have only one idea. One simple idea left.

Fifty-fifty chances, do or die.

“Son of Khunrath of Karmydin! If you don’t kill me like you killed your father, I will find you and I will kill you!”

I screamed his real father’s real name, his secret name. This secret name was shown only in a short flashback scene. Only the father and son were there and Thiefmaster killed his father at the end of the scene.

Thiefmaster’s hands stopped.

“Oh… How deep are the pockets of that arms dealer? How much can that mad prophet see?” (Thiefmaster)

All-in on gap aggro, let’s go!

“I will hunt you and I will kill you! I will come after you and wreck you! It would be better to kill me right now, because if you leave me alive, I will become stronger and hunt you to the ends of this world! I will make sure you regret leaving me alive! I will survive this forest and hunt you down, and I will make you beg for mercy like a goblin!”

Take a deep breath and continue.

“I am the storm that wipes out that pathetic little thing you call life! I am the nightmare that keeps you awake at night! I will own you so hard your children are born owned! I dare you to say ‘oh’ again, you turtling noob! I double dare you to say ‘oh’ again!”

I screamed so forcefully that my throat felt like sandpaper.

Thiefmaster stared at me, amused.

“Regret? Ah, regret is a feeling as well... Hmm… Turtling noob? Tell me, chef of lies, what is a turtling noob?” (Thiefmaster)

Okay, got a reaction. We’re back in the game. One more minute of life acquired.

“I will become more powerful than you can ever imagine! I am a time traveler from the future, a terran visitor from planet Gaia! I came from an alternative universe where you are nothing but a figment of imagination! You’re just an insignificant mid-boss in a mid-rated game! There are things I can do that break this world! I have killed you thousands of times before! You think is hype? I am hype! I produce history like others produce games!”

Thiefmaster was seriously doubting his lie detector skill right now.

“Oh, you must be the rumored Mad Seer himself. Oh, oh! Yes, what a wonderful web of illusions you have spun for me, diviner in disguise! Words spoken by a tortured mind – are they truths, are they lies, are they delusions? But how, how is it that you sound so confident in killing me thousand times? No, don’t tell me, don’t tell me! Yes, no – yes! Tell me exactly! Will you kill me with a fork and a knife, chef?” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster placed a revolver against my head, cocked the hammer –

(Melee attack with a ranged weapon? This mashup is not part of Thiefmaster’s DJ set. What is he doing?)

– then he laughed, swung his arm high up and shot in the air three times.

(Please, Kraj and Bodhi, notice the gunfire and come back!)

Thiefmaster suddenly brought his hand down and hit me in the temple with the revolver grip.

Not in the head again, I’m a wounded veteran of the Battle of Wineep Mine...

“Why should I follow them! Ridiculous! I will have them chase me instead!” (Thiefmaster)

While my head was still spinning, Thiefmaster laughed like a maniac while he kicked me and suddenly rolled me inside my winter cloak like a tortilla wrap. What the hell is he doing now?

”Show me the extent of your madness, madman!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster kicked me around, grabbed the Sultanate flagstaff and poked me with it until I dropped in a deep tree well under a spruce. Then the dropped the flagstaff in the tree well on top of me.

This isn’t his normal behavior at all. What’s going on? Is he trying to hide me from wolves and spiders? Is this his way of helping me to survive?

He actually wants me to survive and hunt him down with a fork.

“Live down there like a worm! Bury yourself in the snow like a bear and live! Run after me when the spring arrives and entertain me thousand times more! Hahahaha!” (Thiefmaster)

Okay, Thiefmaster is completely off his rocker. Maybe he thinks I’m about as insane he is.

As I was covered in the tree well by loose evergreen branches, Thiefmaster kept laughing and used one of my revolvers to shoot in the air again.

“Entertain me, you who hear me! Come after me! Entertain me like this one has, house dwellers! Oh, how lucky one can be to be showered with such wonderful mysteries of madmen! So many dangerous surprises must await me!” (Thiefmaster)

Thiefmaster spat some blood on me and walked away.

I could tell he was heading south. His laughs and boasts became fainter and fainter until they finally disappeared.

...Oh-kay. That was an encounter.

Hibernate like a bear until spring comes, huh?

Would’ve been pretty bad if he had insisted on placing poisoned rings in my body as an assurance or something like in that old manga.

He’s not coming back, right?

Can’t hear any steps. Good.

New Thiefmaster Zero Stage Skip found. Works only in isekai build, unfortunately.

At least I managed to buy some more playtime.

Where did I put my spare gloves? Ah, found them...

My headache kept getting worse. My ears were whirring. My body felt cold and stiff.

Alone, injured, and unarmed in the middle of Winter Forest. Still alive, but how long?

...I’m sorry, Sera, I couldn’t return. I’m sorry, everyone. Don’t let Thiefmaster disappear in the house and turn into Bad Ronald.

HP going down fast.

I’ll try breathing, that’s a good trick.

First aid kit, anyone? Nanogel for a homie? Medic, I need that fentanyl lollipol now. Can I get one of those cliché transitions where I just pass out and wake up in a comfy bed? Please?

Pain, pain go away...

No such luck. Time to bite the bullet and suck the shirt sleeve.

Munch munch...

The bitter taste of dark pill spread in my mouth. I suddenly felt warm. The drug blocked the pain immediately and replaced the cold with warmth.

And just like that, I have cursed myself.

In the end, the choice between hellish pain and drug addiction was quite easy.

---

...

Oh that girl with pearls in her hair, is she real or just made of air...

…

Uhh…

How long was I lights out?

It was midday just a moment ago, but now it’s already dark.

Check the time – forget it, doesn’t matter.

I’m alive. The pain is manageable enough, I feel calm and light-headed.

Thanks, tainted emergency analgesic. Just like Crys had poison vials sewed in his clothes (as much as I kept telling him to drop the worst ones), I had a pure sample of Midnight Rust – a local opioid-type battle drug from Corelands of Om – hidden inside my sleeve just in case.

It’s going to kick me with Cursed and/or Addicted status effect, but that’s a problem for future me.

How much blood I’ve lost?

Why do I even ask, I don’t have a card to measure that.

Okay. Stay optimistic. Find some positive point about this situation. I’m not a corpsicle yet. I haven’t soiled my pants, so there’ still hope.

If I survive, I can finally test if this body has the same boosted self-healing property other people in this world seem to have. That’s cool, I guess.

What’s that sound? Wolves howling? Is it my stomach growling?

No, that’s definitely snow wolves howling. That’s the audio cue for wolves closing in and attacking your body after you get downed in this area of Winter Forest.

Are they already eating T-Sub’s body? T-Sub is no more.

I’m next. They will find me, no doubt about that, but are they going to jump down? They don’t do that in the game unless forced, but if they do it here out of their own will, I need to start a fire to social distance myself from the carnivores.

Let’s turn this tree well into a quinzhee or something. At least I can die with a roof above my head.

Are the wolves coming for me?

...What’s that now? What the hell is that whirring, droning sound? Is it only in my head?

No, it’s coming from the forest. I should’ve recognized it immediately.

That’s the sound that woke me up in the first place. Source Tribe’s snowmobiles.

Give me a break already! I don’t need tribe spawn on top of everything! Can I fight the wolves instead, is that option in the menu?

The indigenous tribes of Winter Forest were isolationist ultra-conservatives. Source Tribe didn’t approve anything that came from the outside, so they eventually killed or sacrificed all outsiders and destroyed all their stuff. Staff Tribe sometimes allowed outsiders to live as battle slaves, but only if Stick Witch wasn’t around and the outsiders followed the customs of the tribe, rejecting their outsider ways and outsider language. In this situation, Staff Tribe would have been the lesser evil.

But no such luck. Not even such luck. Only Source Tribe rides aerosanis.

Even when Staff Tribe warriors manage to hijack a vehicle, they just joyride it in circles until the vehicle runs out of source juice.

They either heard Thiefmaster’s gunshots or found our tracks. And they’re going to find me for sure. I don’t have my guns or blades.

All I have is a two-thirds of a Sultanate flagstaff. Well, I could try to bonk them with it.

Where can I hide? Should I play dead? There’s no new snow on the ground. They are 100% going to find me. They’ll take me to their high island village, keep me as a prisoner or slave until the Sparkling Source opens and then it’s human sacrifice time.

Sparkling Source gang coming, yo. Is it too late to ask my money back? Can I restart from the teleporter? Do you really want me to give up all hope, world of Mu-Ur?

I can already hear their warcries over the sound of the aerosani engines.

Maybe... just maybe... if I get a good setup... I could eject one of the riders, board a snowmobile, and hightail it.

I could get to the western edge of the territory and run the rest of the way out of the forest.

It’s unfortunate that the snowmobiles work only in the inner White Forest sub-area, within the range of the Sparkling Source (which – as all regular viewers remember – is the wireless power hotspot for these Strangers vehicles and thus the main idol of worship for the Source tribe), so even if I reach the edge of the area of effect, I’ll get caught immediately on foot.

They fight mostly with bows and spears. I could kill a few… Well, I could if I had my revolvers.

If I attack, they’ll just kill me where I stand. If I surrender, they’ll either kill or collar me.

That bastard took my precious Ruby revolvers.

It’s surrender then? That seems to be the main survival strat in these trying times.

They’ll take me to their village, kick me around for fun, maybe delete later.

The vehicles stopped. I could hear them walking around and coming closer. They found me.

Warriors wearing blue armor made of monsterfish scales, holding crossbows with poisoned bolts or sickle spears made of wood and bone.

They saw me in supine position like a cat waiting for belly rubs.

“Hey guys, what’s up? I’m just a harmless NPC, nothing in my hands, nothing in my sleeves. Just a regular wounded dude fighting for his life... Uh, no need to poke me with the pointy ends. Nice weather we’re having, eh? You think it’s going to be a cold day tomorrow as well?”

Collar time? Rehome a rescue?

Please?