Holding On to My Man

Translator: Callis

Editor: Evan

Fu Junli slowly opened the book with the characters "Poetry Collection" on the cover, revealing the snow-white pages filled with beautiful calligraphy.

It wasn't an amazing, brilliant work, but a simple record of feelings. There was no rhyme, no culture, just a type of common vernacular.

"……Today, I finally met the eldest young master, and he is still so handsome and refined, not at all the ice-cold terror that the rumors claim him to be. Instead, he is very gentle and soft. When he held me, it was very warm in his embrace. It was so warm that I didn't dare utter a word……"

"He praised my beautiful eyes. A lot of people have said that my eyes were beautiful, but I have never before felt such happiness. He also asked me if I liked orchids, and I said yes…..I actually don't like orchids. I wanted to speak with him, but never had the chance. From the first day I entered the estate, I saw him and started to wonder……"

"The eldest young master even let me stay in his courtyard to recuperate. He also let me live there and told me to call him Junli-gege. Why is he so gentle towards me?……No, not towards me, but it should be towards a person named 'Lianzhi.' That day, he seemed to have muttered Lianzhi's name……"

"……Today's weather is very pleasant. Junli-gege is in a very good mood, and he arranged for a person to play the guqin in the courtyard. Junli-gege truly is a gifted scholar, clear and bright, a respectable and honorable gentleman, and uniquely cultured……I gathered up the courage to invite him to play the guqin with me. I had dreamed of this scene countless times. Only, I blew into the flute, but there was no sound from the guqin. Junli-gege simply looked at me with a muddled gaze, like he was looking at another person……My heart suddenly hurt very much, and I quickly left……"

"Who is Lianzhi? Who is he towards Junli-gege? Do we look alike? Why does Junli-gege always stare at me and whisper that name? He always looks into my eyes as if he is looking at another person..….Is he so good to me, so gentle and soft, because he takes me to be Lianzhi……?"

"Junli-gege only considers me a shadow, Lianzhi's shadow. If it weren't for Lianzhi, he would have never looked at me. But I am Yunxi, not Lianzhi. I am Yunxi, and I like red clothes. I like musky scents, I like flutes……"

"……Today, Junli-gege told me who Lianzhi was. He was an exceptionally elegant and talented noble's son, one who had shared deep feelings with Junli-gege. His clothes grow looser and looser by the day, yet he cares not. For him, he was wasting away in sorrow and pain. Junli-gege had been thinking about that man for eight years……"

"Junli-gege asked me: 'If you have also felt this type of deep longing, you would understand why I yearn and suffer. A long yearning recalls distant memories, while a short yearning is boundless. Yunxi, do you understand?'……"

"I said that I understood, I understood, I really understood……From the first day I entered the estate and laid eyes on Junli-gege, I understood. Junli-gege, Yunxi was thinking of you in such a shameless way……"

"……Lianzhi appeared today at the palace's banquet. I saw the Lianzhi that Junli-gege spoke of. He really was an exceptional son of nobility. It's no wonder Junli-gege longs for him……"

"Junli-gege's gaze towards Lianzhi-gongzi was so gentle and tender, the kind of emotion that I yearn for even in my dreams. But he loves Lianzhi-gongzi, he loves Lianzhi-gongzi, loves Lianzhi……If only he could love me……"

"In the carriage, Junli-gege looked weary. Right, even though he had found Lianzhi, Lianzhi-gongzi was one of the Prince's people. The Prince's identity was venerable. How could Junli-gege have any chance in competing against the Prince for a beauty……"

"I wanted to convince Junli-gege to give up on Lianzhi, but I couldn't speak. For such a long time, Junli-gege held those kinds of deep feelings for Lianzhi-gongzi. He had been looking for him for eight years. If he can't be with Lianzhi-gongzi, wouldn't he continue to be despondent and pine for him?….."

"Perhaps I could help him……During the banquet, the Prince's gaze towards me was odd. I suppose he must have taken a fancy to me. If I go beg the prince, maybe Junli-gege and Lianzhi-gongzi would have a chance……"

"……I entered the palace today, and I begged the Prince to give Lianzhi-gongzi to Junli-gege. The Prince agreed, but only if I became his person……Then, I shed my clothing. It didn't matter. As long as Junli-gege's wishes are fulfilled, then it's alright. In the past, he only regarded me as Lianzhi-gongzi's shadow. Now that the real Lianzhi has returned, the shadow is no longer needed and would cease to exist……"

"Yet I can't help but cry. I really tried my best to endure it, but I can't bear it. I really wanted to tell him that I wasn't anyone's shadow. I wanted to say, 'Don't see someone else through me. My name is Yunxi, Junli-gege, did you know that? Did you know that I was Yunxi?……Yunxi pleased you, but you didn't know, and you didn't want to know, because you only love Lianzhi……'"

"Junli-gege is becoming more and more unhappy. It must be because of Lianzhi-gongzi. Junli-gege, don't worry, Lianzhi-gongzi will return soon. The Prince promised me that he would give Lianzhi-gongzi to you. After that, your yearning will stop……"

"Yearning, yearning……Exquisite dice and red beans, my yearning for him is deep in my bones, but he doesn't know. Junli-gege, you don't know, you don't know……"

Fu Junli looked at the calligraphy in the collection of poetry, and a bright and beautiful smiling youth appeared in his mind. He felt the pain of a knife being twisted in his heart, and the youth's appearance had never been clearer in his heart.

He had always thought that he regarded the youth as Lianzhi, but he actually hadn't. Perhaps he had in the beginning, but he stopped as time went on.

The youth was different from Lianzhi, even if they had eyes of the same color. However, the expression that blossomed within those blue eyes was different.

But for a long time, his obsession with Lianzhi had unexpectedly made it so that he couldn't see his own heart clearly. Every time he was attracted by the youth's radiance, he told himself that it was because the youth was Lianzhi's shadow.

But in this moment, with Lianzhi by his side, the youth's shadow had been imprinted in his mind.

"Exquisite dice and red beans, my yearning for him is deep in my bones, but he doesn't know, hahahahahaha, Jun didn't know, Jun didn't know, Jun didn't know, Jun didn't know, Jun didn't know……"

Fun Junli repeated this sentence over and over, mouthing the words, laughing and crying, angry at his own foolishness.

When the deeply concealed truth surfaced, his heart was engraved with the two characters 'Yunxi'……

………………

Gu Bai never saw Fu Junli again.

Fu Junli had begged his aunt, Imperial Concubine Xian, to allow him into the palace to find him, even if he risked great disrespect and danger for running amok in the palace to search for him. However, he hadn't seen Fu Junli, and Ji Zhangyin didn't let him.

The man was as domineering and stubborn as ever, and he simply itched to hide Gu Bai away in a golden room so that no one could look at him. Even Du Haitang had been summoned by that man into the palace by imperial decree, and then he wouldn't let him out.

This type of strong tyrant really left people not knowing whether to laugh or cry. It might be unbearable for other people, but for Gu Bai, it was as sweet as syrup.

Because he didn't know when he would see that man next, wouldn't they have to cross ten million worlds and wait ten million years to meet again?

As for Fu Junli, although they never met again, Gu Bai still received news about him.

It was said that after Fu Junli returned from the palace, his whole demeanor had changed and he became even colder and more silent.

He didn't care about the family business and industry, whether he was shut in his study or standing in the courtyard playing music. He would often spend the day holed up and playing his instrument. The melancholy and madness in his eyes left people full of fear.

But when he saw the youth named Lianzhi, he would become serene and gently, longingly, stroke the other's eyes.

However, when the other had accidentally broken a jade flute that Fu Junli carried with him, it seemed like he went crazy and ferociously hit the other with a bamboo board. He only stopped when the other was nearly half dead.

From then on, Lianzhi didn't dare touch any of Fu Junli's things. Every day, he only dared to wear red clothing and musky perfume and to play a jade flute. He could only listen to Fu Junli calling him by Yunxi's name, as he touched his eyes….

Gu Bai secretly went back to the Fu family's household once without telling Ji Zhangyin.

He saw that Fu Junli's study was full of pictures in scrolls. The scrolls were all of a young man with Du Yunxi's appearance.

The scrolls showed images of him with various expressions, looking panicked, happy, shy, charming, and enchanting. Every image was full of an indescribable emotion and boundless longing.

Finally, in this moment, he felt that the emotions of the original, which had been weighing down on his chest, finally dissipated.

Du Yunxi's wish was for Fu Junli's deep love, his poignant, eternal, deep love. He had finally obtained it. From now on, there were only the two characters 'Yunxi' in the other's heart……

………………

In this world, like the previous one, Gu Bai never left Ji Zhangyin's side. Even with the other's overbearing manner, he was perfectly content to stay by the other's side.

After Ji Zhangyin ascended the throne, except for one concubine whom he spoiled, there was no harem. One after another, his court councilors begged him to bring in imperial concubines so that he could leave behind heirs. But from the beginning to the end, he remained extraordinarily stubborn. There was no draft, nor were there imperial concubines.

After being emperor for a few years, he unexpectedly abdicated to become regent so that no one would incessantly ask him about taking imperial concubines to have children. This action soothed the secretly fearful court councilors. The gentleman really wanted the beauty, not the rivers and mountains.

Gu Bai couldn't deny it. Even if this person was reincarnated, his shadow would still be engraved in his soul. It was clear what his position in the other's heart was.

Before Ji Zhangyin's death, Gu Bai saw the deep, unwavering love in his eyes. He could only feel a type of bitter pain he had never felt before in the depths of his heart.

In this moment, he no longer felt that he was indifferent. He had a beating heart of flesh and blood.

When Ji Zhangyin closed his eyes, he almost wanted to go with him. From that kind of difficult-to-forget warming of his heart, he had come to realize that he didn't know why he had once insisted on living without a heartbeat. What was the point of that?

The mysterious master had said that he would die if he became engrossed in the worlds.

Staring at Ji Zhangyin, who had already ceased to breathe, Gu Bai felt his soul grow lighter, and he had a feeling that it would dissipate at any moment.

In this last moment, the surrounding space twisted, and his soul was pulled out of his body. It was engulfed by a powerful force and pulled back to the starry space……

I think I teared up a bit … ( ????ω???? )